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My Hero Complex
Brief
A caller identified as Astaire, phoning from Nairobi, asked Esther Perel to help him understand a persistent “hero complex.” He described meeting a college girlfriend when both were wounded: she disclosed an abusive childhood and bad prior relationships, and he had just discovered his father’s affair. That early intimacy produced a trauma-bond — she was the only person he told about his father — and he took on a rescuing mission: to prove there are good men and to make her happy. Years later she rang him unexpectedly, reporting suicidal thoughts, a breakup and an abortion; she said the pain matched the time they’d split, which reactivated his impulse to step in and “calm the waters.”
Astaire painted the pattern in granular detail: people — especially women — open quickly to him in crisis, he comforts and changes them, receives a strong dopamine hit and feels powerful and useful, but the attachment often becomes one-sided. Often his care is sexualized or romanticized by the other person, and when their crisis passes they no longer include him in positive moments; he is left feeling used, resentful and unsure whether he’s loved for himself. Perel traced the dynamic to childhood formations (a father who was a distant provider and a longing to be the one who ‘fixes’). She gave concrete steps: reframe “need” as “rely,” practice vulnerability in low-stakes ways with trustworthy friends by calling them when you’re happy, let others take care of you, and be explicit with the ex — express care while also setting a boundary about wanting a healthier friendship. Astaire accepted the plan, agreed he might lose contact and said he was ready to prioritize himself; Perel encouraged trial-and-error and the simultaneous cultivation of power and connection.
Why it matters
Caller (Astaire), calling from Nairobi, said an ex-girlfriend he dated in college phoned him out of the blue after two–three years, telling him “her life is falling apart,” that she was suicidal, had just had a breakup and an abortion — and that the only previous time she’d felt that pain was when they broke up.
Key details
- Astaire described a trauma-bonded start to the relationship: the woman had disclosed childhood trauma (an abusive father and an alcoholic mother) and he had confided that he’d recently discovered his father’s affair — she was the only person he’d told about that.
- Astaire defined his pattern as a ‘hero complex’: he actively seeks out and keeps women (and some female friends) he can ‘rescue’ after breakups or trauma, gets a strong dopamine hit from making them happier, but then feels used and resentful when they disengage once they’re well.
- He reported a recurring outcome: people come to him in crisis and sometimes become romantically attached to him because of his caregiving, but when things are fine they often stop including him in good news — leaving him feeling ‘used’ and questioning whether they love him or only need him.
- Esther Perel connected the rescue impulse to childhood dynamics (e.g., Astaire’s father as a distant ‘hero’ who worked a lot) and to two common drivers of rescue fantasies: (1) wanting to repair a childhood failure to rescue, or (2) deriving self-worth from successfully rescuing someone — she named both as relevant to him.
- Practical guidance Perel offered: pick trustworthy people, practice reversing the pattern by reaching out to friends when you’re happy (not only in crisis), start small and expect trial-and-error, allow others to ‘rely’ on you by receiving help, and when he calls his ex, state clearly that he cares but needs a healthier friendship boundary.